In many hospitals or birthing centers, there are still certain ways of acting, such as the use of forceps, premature cutting of the umbilical cord and other methods used after birth, which can bring up old memories of violence, pain, submission and impotence in the masochistic individual.
Although there are later stages, such as his passage through school, where he must face the authority of the teacher as in adolescence, in which his desire for independence is strongly awakened.
We could say that the crucial period in which this structure is built It is in the anal stage of the child, around the age of two.
Although it does not acquire its final form until later, when the child gives in to resistance; after going through a process of fighting, tantrums and rebellion, which usually occurs around puberty.
It is at this time that, through the perception and satisfaction of his needs, the child discovers very important sensations, emotions and relationships.
The child is forming a social conscience as well as experiencing his autonomy and his individual power.
He begins to differentiate between me and not me; between his own and that of others, between what he wants and what he does not want, and thus he becomes aware of the differences between his actions and those of others.
Once his ego has been discovered, he needs to reaffirm it by protecting his autonomy and denying the impositions; to the extent that he opposes others, he asserts himself.
The next key moment of the anal stage would be marked by the acquisition of voluntary control over his muscular system, both his sphincters and the rest of the body.
He will learn, under the pressure of the environment, to control the sphincters.
The anal area and the products of evacuation are now becoming of great interest to the child and dirt and disorder give him enormous pleasure.
On the other hand, he has begun to develop the ability to understand his parents and to communicate his experiences and to be able to confront them.
The child observes that his needs do not always coincide with what others want or want to impose on him and he begins to understand the power of a word that he has been hearing quite often: NO.
The “no” implies a complete distinction between the child and others, because to say “no” means having the power to oppose the orders and wishes of others and to be able to assert oneself.
«I am me and you are you, I have my own essence, I am not part of you, I have my own needs and I don’t have to please yours. Respect me»
He will become aware of what is inside and outside (release-retain), acquiring at the same time the possibility of giving or keeping, of giving in to the demand of the environment or of opposing it.
If the mother or caregivers are sensitive to the child’s needs, they can skillfully mediate between proper hygiene and the child’s opposing tendencies, so toilet training will progress smoothly.
This is a healthy evolutionary process: allowing and encouraging all the organism’s systems to progressively mature according to the specific demand of their own nature.
In this way, the foundations are laid so that a person can develop as an autonomous and independent individual, different from others and with the ability to know his needs and seek her own well-being.
If, on the contrary, as in the masochistic structure, control is imposed severely and without concessions, this will give rise to the beginning of a battle in which the child is so determined to defend his right to evacuate when he wishes against the intention of his mother to want to control him.
In fact, the person of a masochistic character has chosen in the spiritual world before being born, to live in the bosom of a family that will make him constantly emerge from the unconscious, memories of control, submission and abuses of power.
The masochistic individual has been deeply humiliated as a child.
He has been shaped to feel helpless and worthless.
The mother or her caregivers are the ones who have control over him.
The mother is dominant and possessive, and even she is willing to sacrifice herself for him.
She does not allow her son to have a private personal space where he can recognize himself and enjoy her body, himself.
It is she who tries to control and dominate the child’s body, his diet and even his physiological functions.
If the child behaves “appropriately”, he manifests his love for him, if not, he ridicules him, he only deserves to be loved if he abides by certain norms that are imposed on him, because the mother considers that this is how it should be.
Obedience is rewarded with approval; rebellion, on the other hand, is frowned upon.
A clear example of this occurs when he begins to control his sphincters.
He perceives that if he withholds defecations he is loved, pampered and when they escape him, they humiliate him and make him feel ashamed of himself.
This causes great psychological damage to the child with a masochistic structure because it makes him believe that he must retain, suffer and behave well to be loved.
Thus the child goes from a situation that caused him pleasure and later a state of relaxation, to living in a state of tension and even unpleasantness.
When he wants to cry, he can’t do it because his parents don’t approve of it, they blame him, because they can’t bear the anguish caused by seeing him cry.
Mom also controls her appearance and dress. She does not respect if he tells her that she is hot or cold. He will dress at her discretion. With which, the child will lose contact with his own body.
And the same thing happens with food, his mother, self-sacrificing and anguished, not only wants him to eat quickly and without getting dirty, but she wants him to eat what, according to her, she considers he needs, so that he grows healthy and strong and not have problems.
Regardless of the child’s needs or whether or not he is satisfied.
If at a certain moment the child feels satisfied and tells his mother that enough is enough, that he does not want to continue eating more, she, who does not have confidence in her child’s ability to know what he really needs, will become nervous and it will force him to continue eating, until she considers that he is well fed, until she is satisfied that what he should eat is that, with which, he will be able to contain his anguish.
In this way, she will feel sure of herself for having acted as a good and responsible mother in the care of her child. If she doesn’t make it, she will be ashamed of herself, of her role as her mother.
Thus, what the mother unconsciously intends is to use the basic needs of the child as a remedy to control her own anguish.
She does not care what the child may feel or not, what she seeks through the feeding of her son is to satisfy her own need, that is, to contain her anguish.
As a consequence, the individual with a masochistic structure associates that after the tension of achieving a desire, a need, there is no satisfaction and then relaxation for having achieved it.
On the contrary, what he experiences is an increase in tension.
In addition, he has to endure the unpleasant experience of “having to” continue eating when he no longer has the desire.
What these experiences will do is to start distancing the child from the perception of their desires and their needs.
And, as a consequence, from the enjoyment of them and will substitute them for the needs of others so as not to feel frustrated and to be able to live in their environment.
It also happens that the child loses contact with her internal power since the effectiveness of the word “NO” has not been sufficient to avoid imposing demands and needs, which are not her own or which are unpleasant.
On the contrary, it has served to anger his mother, to cause more anguish and more pressure.
She will not comply with her son’s wishes and if necessary she will resort to emotional coercion and blackmail; Very typical phrases that are used to manipulate the child’s behavior are:
“Be a good boy, please your mother, finish your food.”
“If you eat, yes I love you, if you don’t eat, no.”
“Mom knows what’s good for you.”
“I always act for your good.”
Although the child increases his opposition to any interference related to his needs and that is why “tantrums” are frequent, which the parents live with great confusion.
They are always forced to give in, all attempts to resist are crushed.
The child is forced to turn against his basic needs through coercion, or by force or through emotional blackmail, sometimes even violently.
As we have seen, they do it in control of their sphincters, because it does not allow the child to control it and mature little by little.
It does not allow him to touch, run, walk and get away from it, does not allow him the basic need to oppose, to know what he feels and what he wants.
That is, the child in any situation of life, perceives that he has not been accepted just as he is and does not feel protected and respected either.
Any feeling, any feeling is inappropriate, they make him feel ashamed and humiliated.
If the child starts playing with his genitals, they interrupt him and tell him that this is wrong, that it is ugly and dirty.
When he does some activity, a drawing, for example, his parents make the mistake of defining his work, instead of letting his son do it.
Look what my son has drawn! It’s a mountain”.
When, in reality, what the boy had tried to draw was something else, a stone.
This is a very big mistake, since the created object is like a mirror of the creator’s essence, a reflection of his inner being, of his individuality.
This is the goal of our creations: they reflect who we are.
But if his parents seize his creation and define it, according to their criteria, before the child has identified with it, when the child looks at the object he has drawn, he will see the essence of his parents reflected, not his own.
Instead of seeing a stone, he will see a mountain.
When he tries to express his ideas, he remains silent, thinking.
But his parents take action in advance, helping him to complete his sentences and preventing him from doing so at his own pace.
Faced with this invasion and subsequent theft of his creative development, the child will become inhibited. Thus, he will have more difficulty returning to complete his ideas and will appear confused.
Finally, the child incorporates the mother’s attitudes, making them an integral part of himself.
He cannot distinguish what is his essence and what is that of his parents, he cannot see the difference.
He will be forced to gradually distance himself from his perceptions and replace them with those of the mother or of the person who performs this function.
This will cause him to live in a state of permanent internal tension, as if he were going to explode and from which he is unable to free himself.
Extracted from my book The Task of the Soul, if you are interested you can purchase it by clicking on the Amazon link:
Image:psychologytoday.com
